Goofy smile

So I have this goofy looking grin that I do when I smile or feel embarrassed or think something is funny. Actually, my face is smiling most of the day. I think people like it, so I smile more often. And I like smiling, it makes me feel good. Until about 6 years ago I thought smiling at people was a great way to make other people feel better too. Too bad for me.

6 years ago I was playing for my high school's hockey team, we were playing against Notre Dame of NJ, or one of the many Notre Dame schools. And I guess we were playing poorly because we were losing. So during intermission, our coach started talking angry to us in the locker room. He's a funny guy though, so even if he's angry he says something funny. And so he made this joke about one of our own defensman, because he was playing bad. Unfortunately, I was paying attention and so I started smiling a little, because I thought it was funny. My coach looks over at me, and there I was just sitting in the corner of the locker room, grinning to myself. That goofy grin I do. And my coach says, "You think that's funny? We're losing. Don't you take this game seriously?" All of a sudden I was scared for my life. I didn't know what he was going to do. So then he said, "You know what, take your gear off! I'm serious, you're not going to play anymore." So that's what I did. I changed out of my hockey equipment. While the rest of my team finished the game, I just watched them in my street clothes.

I really wanted to cry because I was embarassed, angry, sad, but I didn't cry because I was 16 years old. When I think back on it, I think I was supposed to argue with my coach. I saw some movies in which the coach starts yelling at the player and the player gets angry and starts yelling back, and then he gets all angry and plays amazing all of a sudden and his team wins. So maybe I was supposed to do something like that. But me being so emotionally fragile, I guess, I just did what he told me to do. Not the most manly thing I've done in my life. I'm a little more assertive today though. I've made it a point to try and argue on purpose more often, just to defend myself. But that doesn't mean this was all my fault. I won't lie, my coach did a pretty jerk-like thing. He really sucked out the fun of the game. I was good too. I've had at least one spotlight article about my game performance in the Trentonian and The Times.

This event wasn't that scarring though. My teammates called me at home after the game to ask if I was okay. I was glad they cared about my feelings. But it really hit me back then, that it really is impossible to make everyone happy. It doesn't matter what I do, if someone is in a bad enough mood to punish a little boy for smiling, then it's useless. It's terrible that an evil like this exists, an evil that infects all the children and ruins their self-esteem. And these children grow up to treat the younger generation in the same unfair way because that's the only way they know to express themselves. My coach must have been demon possessed or something. The demon of anger. It was so unfair, what he did to me.

There is this children's phrase that goes, "I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say to me bounces off me and sticks to you." I think that's how they teach resilience in kids. I've become more resilient. And that's why I'm so happy today. I choose to be happy as much as possible because there are better things in this life that are more important that winning a game. I'm happy because I am loved by my family and friends. I'm happy because that's really my best weapon against this demonic force that tries to keep me down. I do this for myself, and I do this for you. I overcome the evils that exist, and no one can take my happiness away from me again. If there is one thing I am willing to fight for, it's my joy.