It's been like 3 months and so much has happened. A lot of my classmates like to say that it has been like we've known each other forever, but no, we only just met 3 months ago.
What has happened to me?
I got voted for student council (that means I'm popular).
I'm almost done with anatomy (i've chopped up a body, including the face)
I teach high schoolers about health issues
I teach a group of female inmates about health issues (they're smarter than the high schoolers but they're in jail)
I'm learning to cook (I can make scallion pancake)
I took this class on how to tell people they're dying or have cancer (found out i'm not very sympathetic, but i can be sensitive now)
I'm losing sympathy for poor people (after being approached by all these beggars I really don't know what to think anymore)
I'm getting really good at being alone. (I used to be good at being alone, and now I'm even better at it)
I don't like living in Newark. I really hope this is one of those desert things, like when God sent Moses or Jesus into the desert, and then they came out like awesome.
A lot has been going on, but nothing is really happening. I'm still in Newark. When this is all over I better be all like Zen or something.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Miscommunication
I got a haircut today because my hair was getting long, and it was one of the worst haircuts I've ever gotten. It's too short on the sides, too long on the top, and it makes me look like Will Smith from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. That sounds okay, but this is 2009 not the 90's. I'm really upset with myself. It's easy to blame the barber, but getting haircuts have always been tough for me. Every time I walk into some barber shop I get asked what I want, and I struggle to respond. I say something along the lines of, "I want a regular haircut, shorter, my hair is long, make it short." And I guess that leaves the barber baffled because every time I walk out of the barber shop I have a different variation of short hair. Sometimes I like it, and sometimes I don't like it. But it's becoming a real problem because I can just never seem to get exactly what I want. In the end, I'm really upset with myself because I have such bad communication skills, a weakness which is manifested in my bad haircut.
While a bad haircut seems kind of trivial, my inability to get what I want is a problem. Now, I usually have gotten what I want in my lifetime, but I just wonder how much more I could have had if I just communicated better. What did I miss out on? Maybe I would have gotten even more A's if I talked to my teachers more, or a better research project if I communicated with my professor more, or a better relationship with my grandparents if I attempted to talk to them in Chinese. Anyways, communication is important, and yet I still have this urge to save my words... and my breath. I don't know why. Maybe it's shyness.
The past few years I have started talking a lot. One of my biggest fears is being misunderstood, and so I've made an effort to always say everything I need to say. And it has been helpful because I know more people, I know my friends better, and people know me better.
But I'm still not perfect yet. The day I can consistently get the haircut I want is when I can finally say that I am a communication master.
Note to self: Don't stop talking!
While a bad haircut seems kind of trivial, my inability to get what I want is a problem. Now, I usually have gotten what I want in my lifetime, but I just wonder how much more I could have had if I just communicated better. What did I miss out on? Maybe I would have gotten even more A's if I talked to my teachers more, or a better research project if I communicated with my professor more, or a better relationship with my grandparents if I attempted to talk to them in Chinese. Anyways, communication is important, and yet I still have this urge to save my words... and my breath. I don't know why. Maybe it's shyness.
The past few years I have started talking a lot. One of my biggest fears is being misunderstood, and so I've made an effort to always say everything I need to say. And it has been helpful because I know more people, I know my friends better, and people know me better.
But I'm still not perfect yet. The day I can consistently get the haircut I want is when I can finally say that I am a communication master.
Note to self: Don't stop talking!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Goofy smile
So I have this goofy looking grin that I do when I smile or feel embarrassed or think something is funny. Actually, my face is smiling most of the day. I think people like it, so I smile more often. And I like smiling, it makes me feel good. Until about 6 years ago I thought smiling at people was a great way to make other people feel better too. Too bad for me.
6 years ago I was playing for my high school's hockey team, we were playing against Notre Dame of NJ, or one of the many Notre Dame schools. And I guess we were playing poorly because we were losing. So during intermission, our coach started talking angry to us in the locker room. He's a funny guy though, so even if he's angry he says something funny. And so he made this joke about one of our own defensman, because he was playing bad. Unfortunately, I was paying attention and so I started smiling a little, because I thought it was funny. My coach looks over at me, and there I was just sitting in the corner of the locker room, grinning to myself. That goofy grin I do. And my coach says, "You think that's funny? We're losing. Don't you take this game seriously?" All of a sudden I was scared for my life. I didn't know what he was going to do. So then he said, "You know what, take your gear off! I'm serious, you're not going to play anymore." So that's what I did. I changed out of my hockey equipment. While the rest of my team finished the game, I just watched them in my street clothes.
I really wanted to cry because I was embarassed, angry, sad, but I didn't cry because I was 16 years old. When I think back on it, I think I was supposed to argue with my coach. I saw some movies in which the coach starts yelling at the player and the player gets angry and starts yelling back, and then he gets all angry and plays amazing all of a sudden and his team wins. So maybe I was supposed to do something like that. But me being so emotionally fragile, I guess, I just did what he told me to do. Not the most manly thing I've done in my life. I'm a little more assertive today though. I've made it a point to try and argue on purpose more often, just to defend myself. But that doesn't mean this was all my fault. I won't lie, my coach did a pretty jerk-like thing. He really sucked out the fun of the game. I was good too. I've had at least one spotlight article about my game performance in the Trentonian and The Times.
This event wasn't that scarring though. My teammates called me at home after the game to ask if I was okay. I was glad they cared about my feelings. But it really hit me back then, that it really is impossible to make everyone happy. It doesn't matter what I do, if someone is in a bad enough mood to punish a little boy for smiling, then it's useless. It's terrible that an evil like this exists, an evil that infects all the children and ruins their self-esteem. And these children grow up to treat the younger generation in the same unfair way because that's the only way they know to express themselves. My coach must have been demon possessed or something. The demon of anger. It was so unfair, what he did to me.
There is this children's phrase that goes, "I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say to me bounces off me and sticks to you." I think that's how they teach resilience in kids. I've become more resilient. And that's why I'm so happy today. I choose to be happy as much as possible because there are better things in this life that are more important that winning a game. I'm happy because I am loved by my family and friends. I'm happy because that's really my best weapon against this demonic force that tries to keep me down. I do this for myself, and I do this for you. I overcome the evils that exist, and no one can take my happiness away from me again. If there is one thing I am willing to fight for, it's my joy.
6 years ago I was playing for my high school's hockey team, we were playing against Notre Dame of NJ, or one of the many Notre Dame schools. And I guess we were playing poorly because we were losing. So during intermission, our coach started talking angry to us in the locker room. He's a funny guy though, so even if he's angry he says something funny. And so he made this joke about one of our own defensman, because he was playing bad. Unfortunately, I was paying attention and so I started smiling a little, because I thought it was funny. My coach looks over at me, and there I was just sitting in the corner of the locker room, grinning to myself. That goofy grin I do. And my coach says, "You think that's funny? We're losing. Don't you take this game seriously?" All of a sudden I was scared for my life. I didn't know what he was going to do. So then he said, "You know what, take your gear off! I'm serious, you're not going to play anymore." So that's what I did. I changed out of my hockey equipment. While the rest of my team finished the game, I just watched them in my street clothes.
I really wanted to cry because I was embarassed, angry, sad, but I didn't cry because I was 16 years old. When I think back on it, I think I was supposed to argue with my coach. I saw some movies in which the coach starts yelling at the player and the player gets angry and starts yelling back, and then he gets all angry and plays amazing all of a sudden and his team wins. So maybe I was supposed to do something like that. But me being so emotionally fragile, I guess, I just did what he told me to do. Not the most manly thing I've done in my life. I'm a little more assertive today though. I've made it a point to try and argue on purpose more often, just to defend myself. But that doesn't mean this was all my fault. I won't lie, my coach did a pretty jerk-like thing. He really sucked out the fun of the game. I was good too. I've had at least one spotlight article about my game performance in the Trentonian and The Times.
This event wasn't that scarring though. My teammates called me at home after the game to ask if I was okay. I was glad they cared about my feelings. But it really hit me back then, that it really is impossible to make everyone happy. It doesn't matter what I do, if someone is in a bad enough mood to punish a little boy for smiling, then it's useless. It's terrible that an evil like this exists, an evil that infects all the children and ruins their self-esteem. And these children grow up to treat the younger generation in the same unfair way because that's the only way they know to express themselves. My coach must have been demon possessed or something. The demon of anger. It was so unfair, what he did to me.
There is this children's phrase that goes, "I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say to me bounces off me and sticks to you." I think that's how they teach resilience in kids. I've become more resilient. And that's why I'm so happy today. I choose to be happy as much as possible because there are better things in this life that are more important that winning a game. I'm happy because I am loved by my family and friends. I'm happy because that's really my best weapon against this demonic force that tries to keep me down. I do this for myself, and I do this for you. I overcome the evils that exist, and no one can take my happiness away from me again. If there is one thing I am willing to fight for, it's my joy.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Discrimination
The other day I was playing basketball and I thought I was on next game. But it turns out some other kid had next game and left two games earlier and then came back, claiming he had next game. He had no one on his team yet. So, I asked him if I could play with him.
He looked at me, bounced the ball twice, and his exact words were, "Naw man, I don't want to lose."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why!!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!!?!?
That just gives me a bad taste in my mouth.
He probably looked at me and saw a Chinese man, and thought I was bad at basketball. I'm not even short, but he still didn't want me on his team. It's so unfair. I got discriminated against.
Oh well, I played the next next game with people who did want to play with me, and we won.
He looked at me, bounced the ball twice, and his exact words were, "Naw man, I don't want to lose."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why!!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!!?!?
That just gives me a bad taste in my mouth.
He probably looked at me and saw a Chinese man, and thought I was bad at basketball. I'm not even short, but he still didn't want me on his team. It's so unfair. I got discriminated against.
Oh well, I played the next next game with people who did want to play with me, and we won.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
My first entry
While it may seem like I am a friendly person, I have always been scared of talking to girls. Maybe I have come a long way since elementary school, but maybe I haven't. It's easy for me to have short 20 second discussion with girls in passing, but after that I start losing it. I also don't like to visit the girls' house, or a girls' room. It's mainly because I don't want to "send signals" that I don't mean...and maybe I'm a big scardy cat.
In fifth grade I loved being friends with everyone. It was great. It didn't matter if that person was black, chinese, white, girl, boy, whatever. One day that changed. I was playing soccer with my two guy friends, Alex and Fouzi, on a field in my development, when one of my friendgirls, Anna, drove up (her dad was driving) and asked me if I wanted to go to laser park for her birthday in ten minutes. Without a thought, I said, "sure", and hopped in the car leaving my two guy fiends playing soccer by themselves. Back then though, I didn't realize I was just leaving my two friends behind. Laser tag was great though. I had fun and ate free pizza. I also got to spend time with one of my best friends at the time who just so happened to be a girl. Before this point, we would play super nintendo, make time boxes with our treasured posessions, bike around the neighborhood. So I had a good time.
The next day after school at EDP (Extended Day Program for students whose parents are at work), I sat with my friends Alex and Fouzi and some other guy friends, just expecting a normal day. All of a sudden Alex and my friends started shouting, "Benjie likes Anna", and, "Benjie and Anna sitting in a tree..." IT WAS SO TRAUMATIZING. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. When I think back on it, I think Alex was getting me back for ditching him for laser tag. But all I could do was hide my head in my hands and say, "No, no, it's not true, I don't like Anna." I was even crying. Tears were coming out of my eyes. I really liked being friends with Anna, but I never considered girlfriend status, I never even had thought of having a girlfriend. Eventually my friends stopped when I started crying, but it was sooo embarrassing.
Unfortunately, I don't remember hanging out with Anna as much after that. It probably was a combination of this event and that I moved out of the neighborhood. I also stopped having friends that were girls until like, late high school. But sometimes I miss Anna, and the other friends that I have lost. It's too bad it was like this, but I guess I wasn't mature enough to handle this situation any other way, just hide my head in my hands and cry. So yeah... girls make things complicated. Just kidding, they're great people, great to hang out with, great to talk to. I'm still cautious to visit the girls' suite next door, or girls' house on college avenue by myself, but I'll tag along if someone else is visiting. One day I would like to return to the carefree mindset I had when I was ten, it's too bad adult life just isn't that simple.
In fifth grade I loved being friends with everyone. It was great. It didn't matter if that person was black, chinese, white, girl, boy, whatever. One day that changed. I was playing soccer with my two guy friends, Alex and Fouzi, on a field in my development, when one of my friendgirls, Anna, drove up (her dad was driving) and asked me if I wanted to go to laser park for her birthday in ten minutes. Without a thought, I said, "sure", and hopped in the car leaving my two guy fiends playing soccer by themselves. Back then though, I didn't realize I was just leaving my two friends behind. Laser tag was great though. I had fun and ate free pizza. I also got to spend time with one of my best friends at the time who just so happened to be a girl. Before this point, we would play super nintendo, make time boxes with our treasured posessions, bike around the neighborhood. So I had a good time.
The next day after school at EDP (Extended Day Program for students whose parents are at work), I sat with my friends Alex and Fouzi and some other guy friends, just expecting a normal day. All of a sudden Alex and my friends started shouting, "Benjie likes Anna", and, "Benjie and Anna sitting in a tree..." IT WAS SO TRAUMATIZING. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. When I think back on it, I think Alex was getting me back for ditching him for laser tag. But all I could do was hide my head in my hands and say, "No, no, it's not true, I don't like Anna." I was even crying. Tears were coming out of my eyes. I really liked being friends with Anna, but I never considered girlfriend status, I never even had thought of having a girlfriend. Eventually my friends stopped when I started crying, but it was sooo embarrassing.
Unfortunately, I don't remember hanging out with Anna as much after that. It probably was a combination of this event and that I moved out of the neighborhood. I also stopped having friends that were girls until like, late high school. But sometimes I miss Anna, and the other friends that I have lost. It's too bad it was like this, but I guess I wasn't mature enough to handle this situation any other way, just hide my head in my hands and cry. So yeah... girls make things complicated. Just kidding, they're great people, great to hang out with, great to talk to. I'm still cautious to visit the girls' suite next door, or girls' house on college avenue by myself, but I'll tag along if someone else is visiting. One day I would like to return to the carefree mindset I had when I was ten, it's too bad adult life just isn't that simple.
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